I’m going to go a bit personal today but then again I feel drawn to. See yesterday something happened to me that got me to recall the term agreeableness as is one of the big 5 personality traits. Here goes.
Possibly also due to upbringing and such, I’ve always been more of an agreeable person – painfully so in fact. Let me recollect some anecdotes.
In the past I couldn’t tell people that no, this seat is already taken go away please. Yeah in a sense over-agreeableness is equivalent to lack of ability to assert oneself so.
A breakthrough I had last year was when I was actually able to tell the waiter hey you served me the wrong dish, I didn’t order this! Lol.
And my mother was so surprised when I was talking to her over the phone and she heard me asking a staff member for directions just a week or two back.
Hey, I’ve grown, okay!
Just look at this. Two months ago, I was with a fellow mentor and some mentees having a meal at a restaurant. I…erm told a mentee, hey your voice is louder can you call the waiter over to fill up the tea. But well I felt it was quite smooth though tbh!
Though in truth, I’d actually never ever called the waiter over in my life before. Always someone else would do it. Till actually literally last month, on my mother’s birthday, I literally waved a waiter over like I’d done it all my life. Hurrah me.
Anyways, that was all just to provide some context for woeful o me yeah.
So basically, what happened yesterday was that I’d been introduced by someone to attend this weekly gym program. I had accepted their goodwill. But really, to be honest, I didn’t enjoy the session over there at all. Sure, I know I can lift, and I know I appear unruffled incarnate and effortless epitome while doing the exercises, but I’m not someone who wants to boost my ego through all these ya know! No instead I’d like…
Still knowing me, what I did was put on a nice easygoing front and simply!!! studiously do everything that they asked me to do. There were trainers helping us yeah. And afterwards I was like well I don’t really find that it’s very good for me at all but since I’ve got nothing better to do and I suppose it’s fairly tolerable and alright even I’ll just come again next week then.
Then came the gamechanger. The person in charge probably messaged me at the end of the day. How was your first session? Man. I literally poured out my concerns to this person and told them what I actually wished to achieve.
Now, I must truly express my gratitude to this person. It was likely the universe at work in getting this person to reach out to me and I might always remember this contrast and polarity.
Scenario 1: I just go along with whatever they want me to do in a nice mode. I don’t really feel like it is benefiting me to be honest though.
Scenario 2: I pour out my standards to them yo. And man, I truly realised!!! then. Woah, do I have standards. As opposed to the person who’s truly just in it to do everything they ask and don’t actually want anything specific out of it for themselves. Like, you know, someone who’d joined a club for fun.
So at night while showering basically, I had all the epiphanies and such. I realised that hey, being too agreeable means that you have no standards! Because I’ve always been someone who’s adaptable and just goes along with the flow. That’s super standard to me. But!! Sometimes you’ve got to stamp in definitively! on what you want, or otherwise not be treated right!
You can’t always be anything goes!!! You gotta know when to fight for ya!
Actually, I had a similar realisation some time last year too, kinda. Basically that realisation was that sometimes, you just truly got to stand up for yourself and declare your stance. Though, that was more about bottom lines! Yeah, the ultimate! boundaries you won’t let anyone! break through.
When it truly becomes necessary to, declare your stance. If possible, compromise and be on the same page. If not, well, go your separate ways.
You can feel fully justified, guilt-free and all that having done so even then.
That avoids a lot of suffering too tbh. Let me elaborate on what I mean yeah. So in previous jobs, I was suffering mentally. However, I didn’t voice!! it out and instead just tolerated it and tolerated it until I just ultimately couldn’t anymore and imploded. End of the job then!
Here is what I would do now were I to be placed in such a situation.
At the very moment where I realise there is a need to, I call for a discussion with the manager to raise what I am uncomfortable with. Rather than just suffering only till I can’t anymore, why, I’ll voice it out. Only continue moving forward after I’m satisfied that it’s all brushed out.
Speaking of this, here is another woe of being too agreeable. Or well, too expansive and able to hold multiple facets and engage in various domains.
Really, for my first couple of jobs, though I suppose this can apply to relationships in general as well, what I did was join more for the novelty of it. However! I had no staying power then. I just joined the very first jobs that wanted me because I thought hey! I think I can do this! And the ambition to a specific job wasn’t really there yeah.
But when push came to shove, these jobs weren’t really right enough for me that I would dig my heels in and persevere till the final cool sights. Instead, what did I do? Yeah, I’d just persevere and tolerate like a fool. Man. Till I just literally couldn’t conceivably go on anymore. Sigh…
Next time, I’ll first make sure that it’s something that has staying power for me. From the very first page, I enter on the right foot. Yep!!! Anyways.
So what do I takeaway from this? Well, one thing. Tolerate. 忍。The kanji for shinobi and ninja. Here I’d like to distinguish between patience and tolerance. Patience is good. Like when, for instance, you are patient with a child and kindly, gently explain things to him. The kindness aspect yeah. But maybe tolerance is where you will put up and live! with injustice.
Anyway, if you consider Aristotle’s golden mean where the middle ground is the best as opposed to bordering on either extreme, I suppose I’ll not be so blindly tolerant from now on in just allowing myself to be trodden on. 🙁
Because see, as you might already understand from what I’ve written earlier, I’ve always been the kind of person who’d just be happy to inconspicuously blend into the background. I mean, it’s peaceful yes. However! That also explains why sometimes I’m just totally! silent, personality devoid. Just nice agreeable statue mild no presence etc. …Getting along till we don’t have to, hah and I can go be me again.
… I suppose that is what some people might call to dim your light. Actually!! You know, I would definitely say that I’m someone who operates authentically and doesn’t really care too much about what other people think about me. However, upon thinking about it yesterday I realised that that’s also totally coupled with the part of me that just likes to meld into the background fit in and keep the peace. Those two sides are merged!
So anyways, I really have mad respect for those who can authentically truly!!! exist as who they are even though it clearly would draw raised eyebrows from society as they’re so different from societal standard.
I mean, for I myself, it’s still totally at the comfortable maintaining tranquility and peace! not drawing any attention level so. Welp. Or at least that’s how I see it yeah! To the extent of the self-awareness available to me.
Of course, gotta admit that sometimes you just truly cannot blend in for the life of you when you’re being who you are. Existing, just go against mainstream standards and the norm! But yeah I love those people. 🙂
Finally I would like to talk about the last lesson I’ve learnt.
Basically? It’s this. Don’t settle.
If that person had not asked me for feedback yesterday, and I’m super grateful for that, I would have just gone on life as per usual. Probably even when I go next week, I’ll not voice anything out and do the exact same thing. Even though it’s not exactly what I want, well, it’s good enough and does technically benefit me in some way because I’m getting a workout!
Even though I’m not truly being nurtured into a prosperous state of being by it!
By the way, here I’ve got to emphasise this. You’ve got to let go of things that aren’t working for you. I personally have been there, done that. A good example would be reciprocity in relationships. Well you must basically ensure that you’re treated right. Otherwise, don’t overstay your welcome and don’t be too cheap+accessible like your energy ain’t precious.
Cause it is. View yo energy as precious please. Be full and complete in yoself. Don’t actually need others to complete you externally. Etc.
When choosing a relationship, be it a job or a person or an organisation, don’t just settle. Gotta go 4 what truly empowers you, has staying power.
Again, novelty?! Short-term! I mean, 4 me, one deep relationship> many shallow ones yo. Start summat yo can stay in; Venus in Scorpio 7th house…
To iu koto de
The life lessons been real. I feel like I’ve learnt a whole life’s worth of life lessons already. But once I pass that stage it is on to the blessing phase already. Thank you in advance universe. Domo arigatou gozaimasu!
And I suppose I will endeavour to not dim my light and be more comfortably present always as truly me. Easier said than done.
With that, I end the article. I don’t know if it was clumsily written, but it’s really out of a desire to share life experience and perhaps serve as a guide for others in the same collective who have the same kind of issues in life. I’ve done my best, and that’ll have to do. Thank ya and bye!